Do not manipulate your ISFJ's emotions.
This can mean literally anything. ISFJs are ripe for abuse because we are Fe (external feeling) users, meaning we care about the feelings of others and will usually give those feelings precedence over our own.
Picture this, a wife who barely goes out anymore because of
home responsibilities, has planned to spend an evening with her girlfriends.
The day of the event, her husband gives her “the look.” He doesn’t say
anything, but he doesn’t have to because “the look” says it all. She’s being
selfish and abandoning her family when they need her to cook dinner and give
the kids their baths. So, what does she do? No ISFJ in the world would have a
good time at that dinner after she’s been given “the look” of condemnation by
someone she loves. So, she cancels, and goes another long stretch without seeing
her friends.
Do not do this to your ISFJ! We have hopes and dreams and
plans just like anybody else. We want to go see a movie so we plan to go. Don’t
give us the evil eye when we choose to do something for ourselves for once.
Speaking from personal experience, I suffer immense amounts
of guilt when I’ve displeased, or think I’ve displeased, a family
member. If I
even suspect that a family member doesn’t want me to do something then
I’ll likely cancel my plans because I don’t want to cause friction. It's
sort of a stupid martyr complex, but that's how we are, putting others
first.
Trust me, it’s no fun being on this side of that equation! I’d give
anything to
let myself be selfish and not really care what others think, but that’s
not who
I am. I put others first, as do all ISFJs since Fe is our secondary
function.
Do NOT take advantage of this weakness in your ISFJ.
Why you ask?
Because eventually your ISFJ will have an emotional meltdown
that could result in them hiding in their room for days at a time or, possibly
worse, they will leave you in a fit of rage. You stifle an ISFJ’s plans or
goals over a long period of time and you’re setting yourself up to eventually be dropped like a hot potato
when they reach the breaking point.
Do not take away an ISFJ’s sensory enjoyments.
A lot of Se users don’t understand this and never will, but
for a Si (internal sensing) user, things that hold memories are practically our
life’s blood. For an ISFJ, memory, or Si, is our primary function! We connect
everything to our past. Everything we learn now has some correlation to what we
have learned before. I can look at anything and everything in my room and I
know who gave it to me or where I purchased it.
If you want to make your ISFJ miserable, toss out all of the
sentimental knick-knacks.
All ISFJs need a safe haven where they can be themselves.
Mine is my bedroom which I decorate the way I want. Everything in my room holds
some special meaning to me, a connection to my past experiences and happiness.
The worst feeling in the world is when I take down décor and don’t have time to
replace it. I get irritable and depressed in a very short period of time.
ISFJs don’t do well with voids. We can’t just take something
away and not replace it with something else that also has sentimental meaning.
I don’t keep a lot of personal photos in my room, but I do keep objects that
harbor memories.
Keep that in mind the next time you’re frustrated with your
Si user’s “clutter.” Sure, they might be messy, but that can be
remedied. More importantly, they’re cherishing the memories they’ve
built. That hideous
old teddy bear might disgust you, but it was their first toy and brings
them
comfort.
Let your ISFJ, or really any Si user, have their space, and
don’t try to control what they put in that space (unless, of course, it’s
creepy and obviously bad for them, then consider intervening)!
Show your ISFJ that you need them.
ISFJs are hard-wired to help people. We have
immense amounts of sympathy. If someone is going through a difficult time, we
want to help that person, even if it means just offering gentle verbal support.
If a person is genuinely suffering or worried through no fault of their own, an
ISFJ will jump right in and offer any support that is needed.
Why?
Because we are Fe users, and other people’s feelings are our
thing!
If you are constantly pushing away your Fe user, refusing to
confide in them about your problems, well, at some point that Fe user will shut
off the caring. We love to help others, but you need to let us help. I don’t
know if this is indicative of most ISFJs, but for me, if someone keeps shutting
me out, eventually I’ll stop caring about that person and just let them go. It
might seem cruel, but it’s only rational.
The ISFJ only stays where they’re needed. If you’re not
showing your ISFJ that you need them, expect them to walk away at some point.
Don’t play mind-games with your ISFJ.
We don’t like it.
For any fans of BBC’s Sherlock,
think back to The Hounds of Baskerville
in the 2nd season. Take this commentary with a grain of salt
and remember that I love this show too. Remember that moment when
Sherlock (ISTP) locked
John (ISFJ) in the lab after dosing him with a hallucinogen? Sherlock
treated
John like a lab rat, his supposed “best friend.”
Don’t do this to your ISFJ. Don’t try to trick them into
behaving a certain way so you can observe a reaction, or just because
you want
to. And when I say mind-games, I mean ones that are designed to
emotionally harm or manipulate the ISFJ. John is a mentally strong man
and he gets angry just like anyone else, but
I got even angrier in that episode. If it had been me, I’d have walked
away
from Sherlock because he abused my trust. This might be simply because
I’m
female, but take this to heart, your ISFJ will in all likelihood leave
you if
you try to pull evil, Sherlockian mind-games on them, particularly if
you’re doing it just
because you can.
Keep in mind that your ISFJ is intuitive to your moods.
Ne (or external intuition) is my weakest function, but
personal necessity has developed it more than usual. Because it is enhanced and
combined with my Si and Fe, I am highly intuitive of other people’s moods.
Sometimes I’m wrong, sometimes I’m right, but if there’s even a hair out of
place in another person’s mood, especially a loved one, I worry, immediately.
And because I’m a Fe user, I am like a sponge to other people’s moods. Not only
do I know that something’s wrong, but in a very short period of time, my good
mood can turn to reflect someone else’s bad mood.
Talk to your Ne/Fe user about what’s going on. Even if it’s
just a few sentences, be sensitive to the fact that they already know something’s
up and you’re freaking them out. If you’re having a bad day, say so, but if
your bad mood isn’t because of them, assure them that it’s not because one of
the first things a Ne/Fe user will assume is that they’ve caused your bad mood.
Conclusion
I hope my little post on the ISFJ has helped you in some way. If you are an ISFJ, then
maybe it’s helped clarify some things and shown you that you’re not alone in how
you react. You’re totally normal, I swear. And if you’re dealing with an ISFJ,
well, maybe this will help you understand them better. We are sensitive, much
more than most ISFJs let on. Respect that, and us, and you literally have a
friend for life. John sticks with Sherlock through an act of God, Sherlock's occasional apologies, and clever writing.
For some terrific posts on the cognitive functions of the
MBTI, try the following links on the Funky MBTI Fiction Tumblr: Understanding
Ne and Ni, Understanding
Se and Si, Understanding
Fe and Fi, Understanding
Te and Ti.
